Analyzing Illusions...

I have had some crushing experiences in my life. Most of you know about them, and if you don't, buy me a coke sometime. Tonight was a breakdown for me. I have spent the last several days keeping tabs, organizing and analyzing, calculating and tracking progress. Is mom's fever up or down? How's the respiratory rate? Heart rate? How was the morning X-ray? What calls need to be made?

Tonight, looking at mom squirming in her bed with a breathing tube, lines of staples across her knees, 3 pumps, countless tubes, the little bit of tape adhesive by her lip, her leg moving slowly up and down on the machine - I just lost it. I all of a sudden saw the last picture I took of my mom in my mind.

It was taken at a gas station in SF as we were leaving town. I had gone to get us sandwiches and had bought mom a Kombucha drink. She was drinking it in the car at the station when I walked over with my camera to snap a shot. The bikes were on top of the car, it had party supplies inside, and mom was looking the part of California recreation. "Hey mom, looks like you are headed out for a fun weekend. Going to do a little biking?" She didn't say anything, but she held up her drink - I think she sees the Kombucha as a bit special, since she only has it here - and smiled a smile that told me she wouldn't be anywhere else. She has this whimsical way about her that is so endearing - you might have noticed!

I took the pic, with Jen leaning in from the passenger seat. I saw it in my mind tonight and I realized that I had forgotten who mom is. I have been spending so much energy keeping track that I forgot that my mom has been devastated. All the small bits of progress - her stable condition, the past surgeries, etc... - didn't matter a damn when I held that picture up against my mom lying in a hospital bed struggling and scared, the next two years of her life spent recovering from this senseless and tragic crime.

Remembering my mom as the person she is cracked through the walls of intellectualization and I broke. I love my mom dearly, and will continue to work for her recovery, but I have to remember who she is and what has happened to her. I had been hanging onto any small progress, however illusory, so much that I lost sight of the real picture. I had been looking so far into the future that I had shut myself off from the present.

This is going to be a long process. There is no way that I can adequately express the gratitude that I feel for the support that has been given us. It is huge to know that we have so many incredible people who care about mom, and about the rest of us. I hope I never have the chance to repay in a like fashion, but know you have my undying gratitude.

As for a "real" update, mom is about the same. She was agitated and restless tonight, and I had the nurse give her some Ativan for anxiety. They are looking at weaning her off the vent, but the surgery on her foot and ankle might happen this week, so it's hard to tell how things will happen. We have a list of things to handle tomorrow around her insurance, the police report, doctor's follow-ups and some guitar repair. I almost forgot that I own a business...

Love,

Geoff