Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Analyzing Illusions...
I have had some crushing experiences in my life. Most of you know about them, and if you don't, buy me a coke sometime. Tonight was a breakdown for me. I have spent the last several days keeping tabs, organizing and analyzing, calculating and tracking progress. Is mom's fever up or down? How's the respiratory rate? Heart rate? How was the morning X-ray? What calls need to be made?
Tonight, looking at mom squirming in her bed with a breathing tube, lines of staples across her knees, 3 pumps, countless tubes, the little bit of tape adhesive by her lip, her leg moving slowly up and down on the machine - I just lost it. I all of a sudden saw the last picture I took of my mom in my mind.
It was taken at a gas station in SF as we were leaving town. I had gone to get us sandwiches and had bought mom a Kombucha drink. She was drinking it in the car at the station when I walked over with my camera to snap a shot. The bikes were on top of the car, it had party supplies inside, and mom was looking the part of California recreation. "Hey mom, looks like you are headed out for a fun weekend. Going to do a little biking?" She didn't say anything, but she held up her drink - I think she sees the Kombucha as a bit special, since she only has it here - and smiled a smile that told me she wouldn't be anywhere else. She has this whimsical way about her that is so endearing - you might have noticed!
I took the pic, with Jen leaning in from the passenger seat. I saw it in my mind tonight and I realized that I had forgotten who mom is. I have been spending so much energy keeping track that I forgot that my mom has been devastated. All the small bits of progress - her stable condition, the past surgeries, etc... - didn't matter a damn when I held that picture up against my mom lying in a hospital bed struggling and scared, the next two years of her life spent recovering from this senseless and tragic crime.
Remembering my mom as the person she is cracked through the walls of intellectualization and I broke. I love my mom dearly, and will continue to work for her recovery, but I have to remember who she is and what has happened to her. I had been hanging onto any small progress, however illusory, so much that I lost sight of the real picture. I had been looking so far into the future that I had shut myself off from the present.
This is going to be a long process. There is no way that I can adequately express the gratitude that I feel for the support that has been given us. It is huge to know that we have so many incredible people who care about mom, and about the rest of us. I hope I never have the chance to repay in a like fashion, but know you have my undying gratitude.
As for a "real" update, mom is about the same. She was agitated and restless tonight, and I had the nurse give her some Ativan for anxiety. They are looking at weaning her off the vent, but the surgery on her foot and ankle might happen this week, so it's hard to tell how things will happen. We have a list of things to handle tomorrow around her insurance, the police report, doctor's follow-ups and some guitar repair. I almost forgot that I own a business...
Love,
Geoff
Tonight, looking at mom squirming in her bed with a breathing tube, lines of staples across her knees, 3 pumps, countless tubes, the little bit of tape adhesive by her lip, her leg moving slowly up and down on the machine - I just lost it. I all of a sudden saw the last picture I took of my mom in my mind.
It was taken at a gas station in SF as we were leaving town. I had gone to get us sandwiches and had bought mom a Kombucha drink. She was drinking it in the car at the station when I walked over with my camera to snap a shot. The bikes were on top of the car, it had party supplies inside, and mom was looking the part of California recreation. "Hey mom, looks like you are headed out for a fun weekend. Going to do a little biking?" She didn't say anything, but she held up her drink - I think she sees the Kombucha as a bit special, since she only has it here - and smiled a smile that told me she wouldn't be anywhere else. She has this whimsical way about her that is so endearing - you might have noticed!
I took the pic, with Jen leaning in from the passenger seat. I saw it in my mind tonight and I realized that I had forgotten who mom is. I have been spending so much energy keeping track that I forgot that my mom has been devastated. All the small bits of progress - her stable condition, the past surgeries, etc... - didn't matter a damn when I held that picture up against my mom lying in a hospital bed struggling and scared, the next two years of her life spent recovering from this senseless and tragic crime.
Remembering my mom as the person she is cracked through the walls of intellectualization and I broke. I love my mom dearly, and will continue to work for her recovery, but I have to remember who she is and what has happened to her. I had been hanging onto any small progress, however illusory, so much that I lost sight of the real picture. I had been looking so far into the future that I had shut myself off from the present.
This is going to be a long process. There is no way that I can adequately express the gratitude that I feel for the support that has been given us. It is huge to know that we have so many incredible people who care about mom, and about the rest of us. I hope I never have the chance to repay in a like fashion, but know you have my undying gratitude.
As for a "real" update, mom is about the same. She was agitated and restless tonight, and I had the nurse give her some Ativan for anxiety. They are looking at weaning her off the vent, but the surgery on her foot and ankle might happen this week, so it's hard to tell how things will happen. We have a list of things to handle tomorrow around her insurance, the police report, doctor's follow-ups and some guitar repair. I almost forgot that I own a business...
Love,
Geoff
Day 12... really?
Wow. Day 12 already. Very hard to believe.
Today wasn't marked by much movement. Mom remains stable on the ventilator. The swelling in her legs is continuing to go down. I put a call in to her orthopedic surgeon today to see if they might be able to go ahead with the remaining surgeries (right ankle, left foot) soon, since the swelling is going down. The original plan was to complete all surgeries and remove the vent post-surgery once and for all, so I'm wondering if they can go back to that plan, since she's not quite ready to have the vent removed, due to some remaining congestion in her lungs.
When Geoff and I visited mom this morning, she was awake and alert. We have learned that it's best for us to be mellow and to just stand next to her bed, holding her hand or stroking her forehead. We've been missing talking to her so much that we run in there telling her all the day's news when she's awake, which can tend to agitate her (I'm assuming b/c she can't yak it up with us). It's been working out a lot better to just whisper to her that she's doing great and that we love her and to allow her to remain calm. Anyway, this morning, she was moving her legs from side to side on her own, which we hadn't seen her do before. She was just rocking them back and forth, as if she had just realized that she can control them. It was nice to see some self-generated movement from her.
We went back to see her this afternoon and she was sleeping. We'll go back again before visiting hours are over today.
I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone for all of the support. The e-mails, phone calls, posts to the blog, monetary donations, etc. are all so appreciated and encourage us to keep moving forward.
We're learning a lot of stuff that we never cared to know about, but we want to be sure we are educated about all that is happening with Mom. There are so many facets to this ordeal - from health care, to insurance, to felony convictions and preliminary hearings. It's a lot to deal with.
Anyway, thanks again for all of the support. We are so fortunate to be loved and cared for by such amazing family and friends.
It's Geoff's turn to do the next update, so watch for it tonight or tomorrow.
Today wasn't marked by much movement. Mom remains stable on the ventilator. The swelling in her legs is continuing to go down. I put a call in to her orthopedic surgeon today to see if they might be able to go ahead with the remaining surgeries (right ankle, left foot) soon, since the swelling is going down. The original plan was to complete all surgeries and remove the vent post-surgery once and for all, so I'm wondering if they can go back to that plan, since she's not quite ready to have the vent removed, due to some remaining congestion in her lungs.
When Geoff and I visited mom this morning, she was awake and alert. We have learned that it's best for us to be mellow and to just stand next to her bed, holding her hand or stroking her forehead. We've been missing talking to her so much that we run in there telling her all the day's news when she's awake, which can tend to agitate her (I'm assuming b/c she can't yak it up with us). It's been working out a lot better to just whisper to her that she's doing great and that we love her and to allow her to remain calm. Anyway, this morning, she was moving her legs from side to side on her own, which we hadn't seen her do before. She was just rocking them back and forth, as if she had just realized that she can control them. It was nice to see some self-generated movement from her.
We went back to see her this afternoon and she was sleeping. We'll go back again before visiting hours are over today.
I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone for all of the support. The e-mails, phone calls, posts to the blog, monetary donations, etc. are all so appreciated and encourage us to keep moving forward.
We're learning a lot of stuff that we never cared to know about, but we want to be sure we are educated about all that is happening with Mom. There are so many facets to this ordeal - from health care, to insurance, to felony convictions and preliminary hearings. It's a lot to deal with.
Anyway, thanks again for all of the support. We are so fortunate to be loved and cared for by such amazing family and friends.
It's Geoff's turn to do the next update, so watch for it tonight or tomorrow.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday visit
Mom seemed comfortable this morning. She was on the machine, which was moving her left leg. Because her congestion is still hanging around, they will try again tomorrow to extubate her. Her temperature is down to normal and the swelling in her legs is beginning to go down. They are still waiting for the swelling to go down, so they can finish up her remaining surgeries (left foot, right ankle).
We'll go see her again later. In the meantime, we have calls to make to follow-up on insurance stuff.
More later.
We'll go see her again later. In the meantime, we have calls to make to follow-up on insurance stuff.
More later.
Monday already
We'll be heading in to the hospital soon. When I called this morning, mom's nurse said that mom hadn't slept much last night. I told Geoff that maybe Mom was awake and that she'll be ready to rock today. We'll see. Dr. deBoisblanc, Mom's trauma physician, had been by to see her this morning. Although he is still a bit concerned about her lungs, he wants to try to ween her from the vent again today.
We'll post an update after our visit.
We'll post an update after our visit.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Another day
Mom is still on the vent. She has some congestion in her lungs, which is to be expected given the trauma she has sustained. Her nurse this evening said that she could have the vent in for at least a few more days, until the congestion clears from her lungs. For now, they have to suction the congestion, which mom, understandably, hates.
Geoff and I were able to talk to mom a little bit tonight, as she was fairly alert. She was on the machine, which was moving her right leg tonight. She made eye contact with each of us more than we had seen since the accident. We try to assure her, over and over, that she will be okay, that the tube will come out soon, and that she will recover from all of this. Geoff and I did a little bit of energy work on her tonight. I'm sure mom would think we were hippy freaks if she saw us, but we're trying anything and everything to speed up her recovery.
When I was talking to her tonight, Geoff put his fingers up as "rabbit ears" behind my head. Real mature, huh?
Mom's temperature is just above normal, so it has gone down a bit in the last day, along with her blood pressure. I try to walk away with some victories each day, so there they are.
They do a chest x-ray each day to check her congestion, so we'll have a new report on that tomorrow morning. We're calling her surgeon tomorrow as well.
Good night. Thanks to everyone for all of your support.
Geoff and I were able to talk to mom a little bit tonight, as she was fairly alert. She was on the machine, which was moving her right leg tonight. She made eye contact with each of us more than we had seen since the accident. We try to assure her, over and over, that she will be okay, that the tube will come out soon, and that she will recover from all of this. Geoff and I did a little bit of energy work on her tonight. I'm sure mom would think we were hippy freaks if she saw us, but we're trying anything and everything to speed up her recovery.
When I was talking to her tonight, Geoff put his fingers up as "rabbit ears" behind my head. Real mature, huh?
Mom's temperature is just above normal, so it has gone down a bit in the last day, along with her blood pressure. I try to walk away with some victories each day, so there they are.
They do a chest x-ray each day to check her congestion, so we'll have a new report on that tomorrow morning. We're calling her surgeon tomorrow as well.
Good night. Thanks to everyone for all of your support.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Peaks & Valleys
We just got back from visiting Mom. They have reduced her sedation, so she was more awake/aware than we had seen her so far. She seemed very comfortable and seemed to follow what I was saying. They had the TV on for her, so I asked her if she wanted it on, and she nodded her head. I asked her if it was okay to hold her hand (since she has cuts on it) and, again, she nodded.
Her nurse reported that they have started Mom on some sort of machine, that moves her legs, one at a time. She had already been on the machine for 4 hours today. They were getting ready to put her on it again, on her other leg, for another stint. After all that movement, I'm pleased that she seemed restful. I wonder if it feels good, on some level, for her to move... moving her blood and energy through her body for the first time in over a week. She is being weened off the vent, however, they think it will be tomorrow before she is off of it completely. Today, when they began reducing the breaths the vent takes for her, they thought she became too labored. The nurse assured us it was nothing uncommon - just that they don't want her to be working too hard right now.
That's all for now. We'll keep you posted.
Her nurse reported that they have started Mom on some sort of machine, that moves her legs, one at a time. She had already been on the machine for 4 hours today. They were getting ready to put her on it again, on her other leg, for another stint. After all that movement, I'm pleased that she seemed restful. I wonder if it feels good, on some level, for her to move... moving her blood and energy through her body for the first time in over a week. She is being weened off the vent, however, they think it will be tomorrow before she is off of it completely. Today, when they began reducing the breaths the vent takes for her, they thought she became too labored. The nurse assured us it was nothing uncommon - just that they don't want her to be working too hard right now.
That's all for now. We'll keep you posted.
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